lessons

Lately, in a manner which seems entirely appropriate for Lenten contemplation, I have been brought face to face, both sleeping and waking, in person and by proxy, with people and issues I never quite resolved in my teenage years. A few particular faces have been haunting me lately (if I may presume to use such dramatic language) and have forced me to think more closely about the concept of forgiveness, as well as how one actually does forgiveness, or tries to.

Forgiving someone who has wronged you, intentionally or otherwise, requires a kind of persistent love that I don't always (which I rarely) feel capable of. It is easy to confuse forgetfulness with forgiveness - not thinking about someone you hate is not the same thing as recognizing them as another weak human being suffering things you do not know and behaving in ways you do not truly understand. We reduce people to the moment they hurt us, the silhouette of our own pain becomes their profile - and that outline is a far cry from the real complexity of interpersonal interaction. The better you have known someone, the more unjust this reduction is (though I'm pretty sure that hating the dude in the green civic who just cut you off on the freeway is just as horrible).

Forgiveness is especially difficult when you are trying to forgive someone you will never see again - in such a case the engine of pride in your own "good behavior" towards that person can not pull things along, establishing a kinder habit of mind (though, hopefully the pride itself can be jettisoned as soon as possible) by directing your public action. When no public action is called for the forgetfulness often holds sway, at least in my experience.

The desire for some kind of conclusion, some healing of wounds, or at least a direct airing of grievances to the person you have been so busy despising, is such a seductive desire; imagining that last epic conversation - whether it ends in reconciliation or not - can take up a lot of time and energy that, in mearly practical terms, would be better spent in other ways - besides the overwhelming fact that we are called to forgive our brothers before God will forgive us.

I don't have a conclusion to this ramble, but I am learning, and trying to forgive and be forgiven, so bear with me, please.